You Know You Are Conservative If…

The G.O.P. National Committee met in North Carolina this week to lick their wounds and to figure out how to recruit “women, young people and Hispanics” (the press notice was remarkable in its not mentioning African-Americans), while adhering to their “core conservative principles”.  As we all realize this is a center-liberal Country, with liberal policies on social issues (such as the right to abortion, immigration and gay marriage) and social programs very popular among the majority of Americans, but especially among women, the young and among minorities. If the G.O.P. wants to remain faithful to their  conservative core their best option may be one suggested by Stephen Colbert – to find a way to “genetically enable Hispanic women to give birth to old white men”.

In case you were wondering what it means to be “conservative” here is a short quiz, based on the Tea Party admission forms:

1.            Do you ignore and totally mistrust science and scientific research?

2.            Do you believe that evolution is an idea spawned from the depths of Hell?

3.            Do you believe that Government is far too intrusive in our personal lives, but that Government should  force women seeking abortions for medical reasons to have an ultrasound probe into their vagina and have people imprisoned if they practice certain forms of sex acts (even consensually)?

4.            Do you believe that Government policies should be in conformity with Christian religious principles (except Catholicism)?

5.            Do you believe that we should defend Israel no matter what their government does because God is going to come and take us all away when the Temple is rebuilt in Jerusalem?

6.            Do you believe that you have an unlimited right to any weapon to shoot government agents when they come to take those weapons away?

7.            Do you believe that all abortions should be illegal because women have a natural ability to not become pregnant if raped?

8.            Do you believe that President Obama is: a Marxist, a Socialist, a Fascist, a Muslim and a foreign agent?

9.            Do you believe that Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid should be eliminated?

10.          Do you believe that the government should not provide any disaster relief for any State outside of the South? 

Answering “yes” to 3 or more of these questions means that you are a genuine Conservative, and functioning sub-cortically.